TOAST: THE DARK RYE AVENGER

BY: EDUARDO SOLIZ

According to the Chamber of Commerce, Countertop City was a bustling metropolis filled with happy people and no crime. Citizens and tourists alike walked around with big smiles on their faces whether it was day or night. Everybody felt safe walking around downtown, and there was certainly no underground criminal empire hidden behind the scenes.

Jonathan Whitebread was a security guard working at the First State Bank of Countertop City. He was just another Joe trying to get his piece of the pie. Tonight, however, he found himself in a pickle. His hands were tied and he was at the mercy of two of Coutertop City's worst thugs. Limburger and Munster worked for The Big Cheese, the master of an underground criminal empire that stretched from the slums of The Kitchen to the gilded gates of Gourmet Estates.

"Let me go! I won't talk! I have a wife and two dumplings!" pleaded Jonathan as Munster stood in front of him.

"Shaddap, rent-a-cop, don't make me send ya to da Big Oven In The Sky," growled Munster as he turned around and raised his watergun. A drop of water exited its barrel and splashed on the ground just inches from Jonathan's feet. The beleaguered guard recoiled in fear.

Meanwhile, Limburger was drilling a hole into the bank's vault for the explosive charge that would allow them to make a withdrawal for The Big Cheese. As he finished, a metallic clank echoed around the silent bank as a piece of the vault door hit the ground. Limburger then pressed a button and carefully inserted the explosive into the newly made hole. "Let's get out of here, Munster, we got five minutes before it blows."

"So what do we do with dis guy?" asked Limburger, pointing at Jonathan with his gun.

"I saw a toaster on the way in, let's BURN him!" said Munster with an evil grin.

"Yeah, dat sounds great! Been awhile since we've burnt anyone!" replied Limburger.

"NO! PLEASE!" screamed the terrified security guard as Munster grabbed his feet and started to drag him towards the large silver toaster at the back of the bank. A sign was hung on its lever, "DO NOT USE."

"Hey, boss, it sez dis here toaster don't woik" said Munster as he shoved a hysterical Jonathan head first into the slot.

"Well, if he ain't cooked when we get back, we'll finish him with a good soaking!" said Limburger as he reached up and pulled down the lever. A moment later, the sound of an explosion and the loud thud of the vault door hitting the ground could be heard. "Come on, Munster. Let's go get the cash before the real cops show up!" Limburger said to his partner in crime.

Inside the toaster, Jonathan could only watch in horror as its coils turned a bright red. The temperature increased, and the smell of cooking bread filled the air. Thinking that he was at his end, he began to pray to his Baker.

After about a minute, the coils became dark again. Jonathan wondered how it was that he was still alive, and gratefully ended his prayer with a "Thank you." Remembering that the thugs would soon be back to finish him off, he struggled to get his hands free. As he did so, the toaster shook from side to side.

With a sudden POP he flew out of the toaster, he landed on his feet and then snapped the rope that had held his hands together. Jonathan felt different somehow, and turned to see his reflection in the toaster's side. He was shocked to find that his previously white body was now golden brown. Out of curiosity, he poked himself in the side and found that his body did not give way. Instead, it was now hard. "What has happened to me?" he asked himself as he started at the unfamiliar figure in the reflection.

Jonathan was in such a daze that he did not notice Munster walking towards him carrying a large sack of money over his shoulder. Having left his watergun at the vault, Munster quietly set the bag on the ground and charged, his fists clenched and ready to fight. "Here's a knuckle, sammich!" bellowed Munster as he sent a fist flying at the security guard. Jonathan turned just in time to have the gangster's fist meet his face with a loud crunch. Surprisingly, the punch had no effect on Jonathan, but Munster stepped back in pain.

"AAARGH!" yelled Munster, his face racked with pain as he went to hold his now-injured hand with his good one. Having been a former Golden Crumbs champion, Jonathan acted on pure instinct and quickly landed three left jabs on his assailant's face, following them with a right hook that knocked Munster out.

Limburger had been walking towards the back of the bank as well; his partner had forgotten the keys to their locked van. He had stopped to watch Munster get the drop on the new interloper. After seeing Munster go down, he quickly ran to the vault for Munster's water gun. Limburger released the safety and went to waste the do-gooder that had KO'ed his friend.

"So long, bread-man!" laughed Limburger as he shot a powerful stream of water at Jonathan. As the water struck him, Jonathan flinched, but instead of tearing him to pieces, the water simply bounced off of his body. A smile formed on Jonathan's face. Without realizing it, he dropped his voice an octave as he said, "MY turn." The killer's maniacal laughter turned to silence as he dropped his gun. His face twisted into a mask of fear as the new hero methodically approached him.

"Get away, man…GET AWAY!" Limburger yelled as he stepped back, lost his footing and fell to the ground. "WHAT ARE YOU?!" he pleaded as Jonathan set upon him, grabbing him by his neck.

"I'M TOAST."

EPILOGUE

The Big Cheese simmered as he sat in his office. His associates, Limburger and Muenster, were late returning from their trip to the bank. He did not need the cash, but running an underground criminal empire and bribing police officers, judges and politicians to keep it hidden behind the scenes wasn't cheap. Thus, the occasional withdrawl was necessary.

After checking his watch, The Big Cheese made a mental note to give his increasingly late associates a good grilling when they arrived. The phone on his desk then started to ring. The Big Cheese immediately recognized the number; it was one of his contacts in the Countertop City Police Department.

He picked up the phone and simply said, "Yes?"

"Hey boss, I saw Limburger and Muenster being taken in, they got busted doing a job over at First State Bank..." the voice on the phone began.

The Big Cheese's eyes widened as the spy described how the police found his associates tied up and unconscious near the damaged bank vault. "How?" he asked. "What do you mean YOU DON'T KNOW? FIND OUT!" he angrily bellowed into the phone before slamming the handset down.

The Big Cheese regained his composure, turned around, and looked out of his office window. He was annoyed at the news more than anything else. This new do-gooder was only a minor nuisance, after all, he would either be bought or sent to The Big Pie in the Sky. Countertop City was his and he intended to keep it that way.